Pop Luck Club Dads' Stories
Members of The Pop Luck Club inevitably have some amazing stories to share. Here are some of our favorites. Enjoy!
If you're a PLC member with a story to tell, we invite you to submit it for publication by sending it to plcinfo@popluckclub.org. (Please exclude names in your stories. All submissions become property of The Pop Luck Club.)
Story #3: Parenting: A Reflection on the Man's Role
By: David S.
One of the most wonderful experiences I have had in my life happened on the day my son turned four months old. I was holding him on my right shoulder in our rocker as I was trying to comfort him to sleep. He had a very rough week that led up to this day. During this time he had battled a respiratory infection, high fevers and pink eye. During a late night trip to the clinic six days prior to his four month birthday, we were told to apply a prescribed ointment to his eyes, keep him in humidified air, provide baby Tylenol to keep his fever down, give him lots of fluid, aspirate his nose and during all of these remedies we were to comfort him. In that wonderful moment in the chair, with him on my shoulder, I began to sing softly into his right ear and rub his little back. Within 10 minutes, his whimpering stopped and he fell asleep, nuzzled into my neck. I wish no further illnesses on my child, but if and when illnesses do occur, I hope the two of us can share more beautiful, bonding moments like the one in the rocker when he turned four months old.
Growing up in the Midwest, I was always led to believe that moments like the one I had with my son can only happen with mothers and their children. I was led to believe by what I saw around me in the 1960s and 1970s that a mother’s job was to comfort and a father’s job was to teach and build strength within children. I did not see this within my own home. I had a father who was taken ill quite often, leaving my mother to take on all parenting duties for nine children. So, I suppose there was always conflict within me as to the other examples of parenting that I saw outside my own home. In addition, I always thought if my mother could play the strength building and teaching role, then why couldn’t a man play the comforting and nurturing role?
Parenting is not about roles. It is about providing a loving and secure place in this world for children through good example and structure. I first said those words in a foster parenting class over three years ago. Today, my partner and I are living them. Our child was brought to us on February 13, 2006, at one month old. His mother could not care for him and the state of California said we could. It is the most enriching experience I have ever had in my life. My male partner and I do not have the option of a female parent in our child’s life. And like the state of California, we know that good parenting can be done by a variety of people in different home settings. Children can be parented well by two men, two women, one man, one woman, or by one woman and one man. Parenting has nothing to do with gender. It does have everything to do with the right parenting skill set. It is the hardest and most important job in the world.
Story #2: Putting Things in Perspective
For gay men, navigating the sometimes grueling process of adoption, or any other avenue of creating a family, can be daunting at times. When my partner and I first realized that we could likely be parents, it filled us with an overwhelming amazement and awe. It was such a simple thing in the straight world and it was now available to us as gay men. Once we actually started the process (in our case, adoption), that feeling quickly turned to anxiety, fear, and emotional vulnerability to an extent that neither of us had previously experienced.
It's true what they say: Labor (whether physical or emotional) is forgotten within moments of cradling the miracle in your arms. The first few weeks after the arrival of our son, we walked proudly when we left the house. It was a pleasure to feel the pangs in our backs, necks and arms, brought on by the badly engineered carrier of our bundle of joy. How had women done this for all these years? Surely someone knew a better way to schlep a baby around!
People who would have ordinarily never paid any notice to us were stopping and cooing and making polite conversation. We had ventured into the land of child rearing; A land with no bigotry or prejudice -- Just the common goal of raising children with as few parental mistakes as possible.
Five months later, it had become quite routine. My partner and I had a rhythm and didn't have to verbalize every single thing we needed. The machine had been adjusted and oiled to accommodate the new arrival. There was no stopping us now. Baby under one arm and grocery bags or briefcase in the other, things were now in full swing. We even felt able to get out of town with our little guy from time to time.
And we did. On one occasion, we took a weekend trip to Palm Springs and went in to a furniture store. We nonchalantly went about our business poking through the merchandise looking for that really cool find. A man in his mid sixties soon came up to us and very politely asked if we needed any help. We replied that we were just looking. We expected him to go back to what he was doing, but he just stood there lingering. After a while, we became more uncomfortable and tried to venture to another area of the store. It didn't work; he continued to hover nearby without saying a word. Just as we were ready to ask this nut to leave us alone, he approached and very quietly asked if this was "our" child. Being the proud fathers that we were, we beamed our answer that he was.
He stood there again in silence, but this time his eyes started to glisten and well up. He continued, "If I may ask, how were you able to manage this?"
We told him we had adopted. It really hadn't been any more difficult than any other couple's experience.
With a look of astonishment, he said he had no idea that it was possible for two men to adopt and raise a child. He had not yet come across any other families like ours. He went on to say how much things have changed in his day. He had seen the days where homosexuality "didn't exist" in America. He was gay before that word was coined. He had seen the rise and fall of Stonewall; the bath houses; the upsurge of Gay Pride Parades. When the gay plague hit, he had been there for that too. And now he stood there gazing at our family of three with a look of total disbelief.
With his far away expression, he went on to explain that he had been with a lover for over 40 years who had died recently. Having children was the one thing they had both wanted more than anything else. He continued explaining how they had had the money and the house and a reasonably stable life, but there was no possible way that they could have raised children because it simply was not allowed. It was as if he was trying to recount; to defend himself; to make sure he had left no stone unturned. As if seeing the three of us now made it seem like it might have been possible for him and his partner, but they had neglected to take the right approach.
After more reminiscing and simply enjoying the sight of us with our baby, he made sure to tell us not to take this lightly. He wanted to be clear that we understood how fortunate we've been to be around for this milestone in gay culture.
The truth was, all we had wanted was to help a child become secure in the world. Yet it suddenly became apparent that what we were doing continued to have a profound impact on the world around us. We had become pioneers, forging a new world of kids with two Fathers, two Mothers or any other loving combination thereof.
Then my arm and back started to ache again because of the infant carrier…
Story #1: Having Two
The happiest moment of your life. There we were, witnessing the birth of our son. My partner and I cut the cord, wrapped him up and somehow instinctively nurtured both him and the amazing woman who had just given birth to him. Dazed, guarded and exhausted, we watched as this tiny life began to experience his new world.
It had all been arranged in advance. The birthmother had asked for some time alone with the baby before saying goodbye. So the following day, she sat down in a rocking chair in a tiny sterile hospital room. And we left her there - alone with this newborn.
A half hour later, we knocked on the door. Peeking in, we saw her still sitting in the chair, staring into his eyes and crying harder than any woman ever should. Doing our best to comfort her, we wondered at the same time if we were doing the right thing. So we let her know that if she wasn't sure of what she was doing, she shouldn't do it. Sure, we wanted that child, but not at the cost of taking him from an unwilling mother.
Then, something unexpected. She immediately stopped crying and regained her composure. Standing up, she gently placed this beautiful baby into our arms, looked us right in the eyes, and said, "This is your son."
Now it was our turn to get emotional. Forget the legal paperwork and court proceedings. With these four words, she had presented her profound gift to us. With it came a second defining moment in our lives, so quickly after the first. We wept with tears of joy that we didn't even know we possessed. She had given birth. She had mourned. Then she had made her decision. Suddenly, she seemed strangely ready to move on with her life. And somehow, my partner and I had become fathers in the process.
The happiest moment of your life. People often claim it's the birth of their child. But if you adopt a newborn, be prepared. You may just end up having two.
